Who needs a Stimulus Package when you have Real Madrid and Idiots?

First of all pardon the repetition in the title, Real Madrid and Idiots are virtually the same.

80 Million is a funny number.

80 Million is the average number of times Cristiano Ronaldo dives in an EPL season

80 Million is the number of times Cristiano Ronaldo said ‘I am happy at Manchester United and I don’t want to leave (he presumably wanted to say ‘I am gay and I want to come’, but it got lost in translation)’

80 Million is the number of times Manchester United fans will call him a diving cheating twat, now that he no longer plays for them.

80 Million is the number of revolutions my stomach made when heard Ronaldo defending his decision to wear tight pink floral pants.

80 Million is also the number which could lift us out of recession – more on that later

80 Million is of course the most brandished number in the media, as it is the amount of money, Real Madrid have paid for securing the services of Cristiano Ronaldo (and some services they must be to be paying 80 million for them)

Incidentally other numbers which will soon also be cropping up shortly in the media are – insane amount of money Ronaldo himself will make, the number of Real Madrid players who will profess their undying love and affection to the great Ronaldo, the number of years it will take Fiorentino Perez to bankrupt Real Madrid.

So on to the deal itself. It’s stupid, it’s crazy and because Real Madrid and Ronaldo are both involved it makes perfect sense. But it goes against every grain of business sense and common intelligence that you would pay 80 million, which is roughly 5 times the entire GDP of the Democratic Republic of Tuvalu, for a footballer unless he happened to be Superman (or in the case of CRON, Wonder Woman), but then football has long lost all respect for economic common sense. But as I write this I realize that is deal could actually be one of those which could be a win-win for all people concerned.

Cristiano Ronaldo:

This would be the ideal deal for the effeminate cry baby from Iberia. Firstly his largely gay fashion sense won’t be out of place in Madrid and he will finally get his dream of being the caped crusader who will rescue Real Madrid from the dark depths of despair and catapult them to glory. That should do his over-inflated ego a world of good. Of course that is provided, Lionel Messi doesn’t give him one more hammering to remember (is it just me or do I seem to be putting in too many unseemly visualizations in this post).

Manchester United:

Of course they have lost an irreplaceable player, of course Fergie’s track record of expensive signings isn’t very good (35 miilion for Berbatov and 28 million for Veron, remember that) and of course people might soon realize that, the likes of Carrick and Anderson were nothing more than over paid show pieces in the Manchester United team, but heck they sure fleeced Real Madrid, and that has got be worth something. Also Ferguson will now have the chance to spread his evil in some other young impressionable youth (I think Karim Benzema seems ripe for the picking). And lastly, Manchester United have finally ensured their diversification into newer businesses, human trafficking to be more precise.

Real Madrid:

So they have spent 150 million, still don’t have a defence or a fit central midfield or a half-decent striker. But what the heck, they got Cristiano Ronaldo, and Fiorentino Perez’s harem, oops I meant football team is finally taking shape. And of course for Madrid, future bankruptcy, potential player discord, fair play, et al, really don’t matter, as long as their Galacticos is being formed (it’s funny how every time they say Galacticos i think of the Galapagos islands and the vision of a bunch of Dodos pops into my head), because ultimately everyone knows, that even if Madrid fail and go broke, the whole of Europe will pay through their noses to keep them alive.

(Interestingly club President, Perez says that the club will reduce debts by ‘increasing bank loans’, now I maybe be a lowly marketing student and I have seen financial whizzes conjure up something from nothing, but this seems too farfetched even for them)

The Whole Mortal World:

Personally it’s a great thing for me, because I no longer have to convince Manchester United fans that Ronaldo is a Grade A jackass, and since there is only one Real Madrid fan in my vicinity, I am absolved of that responsibility for good. It’s great for the economy also, for several reasons. First of all now that Madrid have gone and basically thrown away any and all economic sense into the Mediterranean, the world might be tempted to follow suit, and soon a whole bunch of idiots will be spending much more than they can afford and we shall be on the way to a rollicking economy again. And a lot of that idiotic spending will be on Kaka and Ronaldo jerseys, after all Madrid will have to sell a whole truckload of footballing merchandise to make this deal look financially sound. And that means more work for the sweat shops in Asia, which means an all round economic growth. Of course the country which is still really screwed is the USA, because they still know squat about football. I can already imagine the future 10 years now, when  the next recession takes place we will all be talking about the gay-footballer bubble, which followed the dotcom bubble and the real estate bubble.

Finally, I do really pity the people of Detroit, with a whole bunch of people set to lose their jobs and income it really doesn’t help to see 80 million being spent on a footballer, especially because they probably can’t understand football anyway. I can imagine a whole bunch of Detroit suicide notes ending with the lines – “....those damn liars told me we were in a recession”.

P.S. – A few points I tried really hard to fit into the main post but couldn’t

Conversation between Madrid and Manchester United:

Perez:  We want Ronaldo.

Ferguson: No, he is happy here and doesn’t want to leave.

Perez: I think you misunderstood his comments, the translation from Portuguese was mis-interpreted, check it again

Ferguson: (After checking with his Portuguese translator) Ok fine. But he won’t come cheap.

Perez: We will pay 80 Million

Ferguson: No. We want more

Perez: Ok fine, 80 Million and we bear the cost of the Pink Floral pants.

Ferguson: Done.

Will Ronaldo be given the famed No.7 jersey of Raul and if he isn’t what happens to Ronaldo’s perfume line CR7 ?

Now that Madrid have thrown the debt ridden Manchester United a lifeline and taken on some of their debt, will be soon see a race between the two to see who gets bankrupt first.

Finally, I wanted the title of this blog to be the ‘Cristiano Ronaldo Stimulus package’, but decided against it because that would be one unseemly visulization too much.

Post Numero Uno

Well, I'll begin my blogging escapades with football..more specifically Arsenal (you should have seen this coming when you saw the title).

Arsenal fans' are one of the most rarest things in sport...I mean who in their right mind would support the Gunners,its a team without superstars- a team which in fact refuses to buy
superstars, a team which very frequently crosses the boundaries between the sublime and the dismal and very often leaves its fans infuriated (kinda like the Indian Cricket Team). So its no surprise that over the past few years, Arsenal fans have begun deserting their team. So, the question being why do I support Arsenal, infact a lot of people would find it easy to support other teams like Man Utd with their Portugese Paladin or Chelsea and their bags of Russian money or the Champions League experts Liverpool. The answer to put it simply in one word - football.

Yes, Football, the sport which amidst all the championships, the trophies, the transfers, the board room power games, we all seem to forget.The sport who's single greatest exponents on the planet are a bunch of 20 something year olds with a French Manager playing in North London.
For the football lover nothing is better than watching Arsenal on a good day, their intricate playing style is arguably the most exciting thing in football today.Now a lot of people might disagree with that statement, particularly fans of Man Utd,who have scored more goals and have been flying this year. And while that might be true the fact is Arsenal have played their brand of football year in year out, in their most succesful and their most barren years, they still play the same way. And that is what you love about Arsenal's football culture, it's unfettered by results, independant of personnel and has grown to become the hallmark of the team. And all this is down to one man, Arsene Wenger , their inspirational manager, who has transformed this once puritan english club into the most energetic brand in modern football. A man who has come into severe criticism for his transfer policy and what is often see as a stubborn selection policy, but would I give up Arsenal's brand of football for a boring collection of superstars ala Chelsea, or for Liverpool who bore opponents to death and win the UCL- not a chance in hell.

And eventually come to think of it football or sport for that matter is all about entertainment, I mean the Ronaldo's and Ronaldinho's of the world wouldnt make their big bucks if not for the entertainment value of sport, so why not support good football rather than trophies or cups. After all if winning trophies was all that mattered then Ricky Ponting would be placed above Sachin Tendulkar, now that would be a travesty. And finally as a last testament to Arsenal's footballing magic, consider this - on Tuesday at Anfield the mere presence of Arsenal, caused Liverpool, the most boring team on the Planet (when it comes to the UCL) to be involved in one of the most exciting matches of the season.

Go Gunners. (My next football post after the Arsenal - Man Utd match on sunday)