Last night we were two minutes away from the end of the beautiful game and just as I thought that for the second year in a row I would have to endure the torture of having to sit around and watch Chelsea and Manchester United run around like headless chickens on a football pitch testing each others stamina and the audience's patience, Barcelona scored in the 92nd minute against Chelsea to reach the Champions League final. yesterday I was thinking that if Chelsea and Manchester United met for the 2nd time consecutively in the Champions League final, then that was it for football, the game of football would have been shot in the face and left for dead in the streets, to be defecated on by street animals. Sounds a little extreme? Well the fact is simple, between the two of them, Manchester United and Chelsea, represent most of what is wrong with modern football.
Chelsea, well for starters their performance over two legs against Barcelona was shameful, it typical personified the modern day philosophy of 'doing what it needs to win'. Chelsea have long forgotten what football is all about a fact so succinctly reflected over the two games against Barcelona, made even more obvious by the beautiful game of Barca. Chelsea have always succeeded by playing the ugly form of football, something you would expect from teams struggling to avoid relegation in the Premier League, not a championship contender. It's made uglier by the fact that they have some of the most despicable footballers on the planet, John ' I can get away with murder' Terry, Frank 'Kick the ball on the opponents foot to take it to goal' Lampard, and of course Didier 'I can dive better than Michael Phelps or Cristiano Ronaldo' Drogba. Over the course of the last 4 years, Roman Abramovich and his Russian revolution at Chelsea, have been the prime cause for football to become billionaire's playground and it was Chelsea who started the trend of football teams growing mountains of unsustainable debt which might ultimately one day come back to bite them, and possibly the whole of football in the ass. And not to mention that their behaviour last night was deplorable, I mean, Drogba spent so much time on his back, that beyond a point it was difficult to make out whether he was trying to earn a penalty or was issuing some primitive mating call. And after the whistle, the Chelsea players literally assaulted the referee (God Bless the utter ineptitude of that imbecilic Norwegian referee).
And Manchester United are evil personified, and what is worse is that just because they are successful, they seem to get away with it all. Its true they are successful and play decent football, but their utter lack of sportsmanship makes them the worst ambassadors for sport in the world. And instead of listing all that is wrong with them, I will just say this, they are like the Australian cricket team under Waugh, and for every Indian cricket fan that should be enough.
So ultimately on May 27th, it comes down to the Battle of Good vs Evil, and the fate of football rests in the hand of a little maestro supported by a noble team, which kind of reminded me of the Lord of the Rings, so I got to thinking, if this was a footballing version of LOTR,then who would be the main characters. So here goes
The Good Guys
Gandolf - Pep Guardiola (Barca manager)
Frodo - Lionel Messi
Samwise Gamgee - Samuel Eto'o (well he's got the name Sam)
Arragaon - Theirry Henry (the King will return)
Legolas - Xavi (he passes with the stunning accuracy of an expert marksman)
Gimli - Yaya Toure (he's big strong and not so bright)
Merry and Pippin - Andres Iniesta (the way he's playing now he's equal to 2 hobbits at least)
Boromir - Dani Alves (well he kind of dies before the real fun begins, just as Alves won't be playing the final)
Elrond - Sylvinho (wise man, has been around for a while, doesn't actually do much in the war)
Arwen - Gerard Pique (well he looks like a Girl a bit and also he's a former Manchester United Player)
Army of Evil
Mordor - Old Trafford (the seat of all evil, with it's evil eye turned towards Rome)
Sauron - Anything Manchester United (the very embodiment of evil)
Saruman - Alex Ferguson (very skilled and powerful, but equally arrogant and all in all annoying pain in the ass)
Army of Orcs - The Rest of the Manchester United team ("Although not dim-witted and even crafty, they ugly, miserable beings, hate everyone including themselves and their masters, whom they serve out of fear. They make no beautiful things, but rather design cunning devices made to hurt and destroy" - Wikipedia)
There you go, the stage is set and hopefully forces of good will triumph.
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